More to Ignore

I have been reluctant to weigh-in (no pun intended) on the new dating show that Fox has put out called More to Love. I even watched the first episode (and bits of new episodes) in hopes that my already dismal opinion would somehow be rendered invalid.

But, alas, More to Love delivered the dose of Sad Fat Girl Plight that I imagined it would. First up is Luke Conley, a 26 year-old bachelor from California. He’s a bit of a hottie; blue eyes, nice dimples, and a very sweet smile. He’s successful, intelligent, and playful, but seems a little skittish around the attention of video cameras and plus-size model Emme. Oh, and did we mention that he’s chubby? The show’s biography of Luke waits all of two minutes before they cut to shots of him downing two-fisted burgers, bellying up to the grill, and generally enjoying large amounts of food. All captioned with phrases like, “I’m a big guy, and I feel good,” and, “hey, I’m not afraid to say I like to eat.” And we haven’t even gotten to the ladies yet.

In marches a gaggle of substantially-framed ladies. Dressed to the nines, with areas below the armpits and above the knees adequately covered, Luke’s suitors parade by and attempt to catch his attention with one or another brand of witty banter. The best part, however, is that after each woman is introduced to Luke, the editors of the show insert portions of the pre- and post- scheduled interviews with each individual lady. And guess what? 90% of the interviews involve tears. Tears about being fat, never having a date, never being touched or kissed, never feeling loved, never feeling like a valid member of society, and any other self-deprecating-never that I could imagine. And I sat and watched this. The flip-flop from flirty girl in a cocktail dress, to the chubby malcontent who will never be good enough. I sat there and watched it, and I felt myself boil inside.

I could have been one of those girls. I fit the profile, right? Chubby chick who has been told far too many times that she has “such a pretty face.” Who likes wearing sleeveless summer dresses despite the fact that her mother reminds her on numerous occasions that her arms are too fat to do frivolous things like that. Who tries her damndest to maintain some sense of style despite every social sign that she should resign herself to things like tunics and stretchy knit pants. Who just wants someone to look at her as if she is not only the most beautiful girl in the world, but as if she is the only girl in the world.

I am not judging these woman for feeling badly about themselves. I am really not even judging them for displaying this sense of self-loathing for the world to see. What frustrates me is that these woman have allowed themselves to become part of some greater joke. I cannot imagine that the producers of More to Love created this show as some kind of public service announcement. I think they created it to send a few messages, one of which is that fat people belong with other fat people. They have turned Luke into a sort of goodwill ambassador to those who’s subcutaneous regions affected their high school social life. As if he is going to make right what has probably been years of societal abuse and peer torment, simply by taking 15 girls to a mock prom.

It just seems like the show further highlights insecurity instead of breaking down barriers. It gives the implied impression that women (and men to a point) of a certain stature should be eternally grateful to anyone who casually hands them a compliment. It also seems to infer that all overweight people do is sit around crying about being overweight, and of course, eat.

Am I a Sad Fat Girl sometimes? Absolutely. Do I have an inordinate amount of demons surrounding a dysfunctional relationship with food? Sure. But you know what else? I went to my high school prom. Two years in a row. With boys who were of a socially considered "normal" weight. And I have dated and been in long, meaningful relationships and short, physical relationships. I have created a career for myself and finished my college degree and moved 600 miles from my hometown all by myself. And I did it all while looking somewhere between a little soft and entirely overweight. And I will be damned if I am ever going to put myself out on display to be somebody’s punch line. I refuse to believe that I will ever settle for love because it’s simply available. No thank you, Mr. Conley. You can keep your corsage.

Listening

It’s really nice to sometimes reconnect with a friend who completely and totally “gets” me. My friend K-Ro was in town this weekend, and we had a magnificent time. Sometimes, I find myself sort of drowning in my issues. And that doesn’t always mean that I am struggling with binging/purging, or overeating, or general food dysfunction. Sometimes it means that I am just stuck trying to figure out a path for me. I have meditated a lot this year on what I need to do for myself, and I usually find myself coming up at a loss. I think part of the issue is that I (and a lot of other women) am bombarded with what I should be doing on a daily basis. And a lot of time, those messages conflict.

Should I strive to be as thin as is healthfully possible? Should I embrace my curves? Should I go by that little chart my doctor has on her examination room wall, that provides a weight range based on height? Or should I go by one of the medical journals I read recently that uses a 32-point formula to provide guidance on weight and weight distribution? And as I am thinking through all of this, I am uncertain how any woman is ever supposed to feel good in her jeans.

Here is what I do know. I can’t go by what other people think or do. I have to go by what feels healthy for me. I have been reading Bethenny Frankel’s Naturally Thin over the past few weeks and one thing she really emphasizes is knowing yourself. That our bodies will usually tell us exactly what we need. And when I pay close attention to my inner-voice, I know she’s right. This morning, I woke up and was not hungry. So I didn’t eat. I went for a walk instead. And when I came back, I wasn’t hungry. Even though I kept second guessing whether I should eat breakfast, I didn’t. Because I wasn’t hungry. And it’s ok to not eat (even breakfast!) if I’m not hungry. A few hours later I was hungry, and I ate. Subsequently, I felt pretty damn good about myself. And that was just one, little choice.

Tying myself in knots has not ever worked. Absorbing what others around me think and do does not work. Listening to myself does. Having a friend who just listens and doesn’t let me make plans based on the opinions of others helps a little too. So, here goes.

Looking Great

The other day I was having lunch with a couple female coworkers. A woman at the table next to us motioned to my friend, and the two of them stood up and greeted each other. It was apparent that they had not seen each other in awhile, especially when my co worker's friend exclaimed "you look so great!" And that got me wondering...

Why is it that we feel compelled to compliment other another woman's appearance when meeting after some time has passed. And I say women on purpose, because I never see men make these types of proclamations when they meet one another. In fact it's quite the opposite.

"Dude!"

"Hey, man."

"You look like shit, what's up?"

Women, on the other hand seem to accept this as a part of every new conversation. The other day I was passing another coworker in my office corridor. She had been out of the office on maternity leave, and I felt almost an obligation to tell her how great she looked. I felt stupid even making a comment on her appearance. Knowing how affected I am by even the most offhanded statement about my appearance can send me reeling for months. And here I was, giving into the same urge that so deeply affects me.

So, I immediately resolved that I was going to quit that shit. Instead of seeing an old friend and commenting on her appearance, how about a hug? Instead of commenting on how great a friend looks post-pregnancy, how about telling the friend that she looks happy? Why does every utterance have to equate back to the size of a woman's waistline? And why do we perpetuate it amongst our own kind? Sometimes a "compliment" is just a reflection of what we would like others to think about us. Or at least that's my theory.

I don't think it's a terrible thing to compliment someone else, but I do think it starts to become habit. And when it's just the first natural inclination, sometimes it becomes insincere.

Stress and Thin Mints: A Love Story

When I try to sum up the past week, one word comes to mind. Tired. But I want to talk a bit about my eDiets selection, since I haven't really posted in awhile.

I decided on eDiets for a couple reasons. First, I thought it would be convenient. Second, it was fairly cheap ($17.95 for a one-month membership). A couple weeks ago, I hit the website and entered some information about myself; my weight, height, food preferences, and exercise habits. eDiets brought back the suggestion of the 'The Glycemic Index' diet. I haven't really had the time or energy to investigate what exactly this means, but there was a lot of explanation around following it as a measure of preventing diabetes. Since my entire family is pre-disposed to this, and I have poly cystic ovaries (which often leads to diabetes), I decided to go for it.

So far, I have had mediocre success. The meal plan requires a lot of preparation and cooking. Scratch that. The meal plan requires a moderate amount and preparation and cooking. And ingredients. I'm on both a time and money budget, so I am finding this to be a bit challenging. There are 'packaged' meal solutions in the form of Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine meals, so I plan to hit the grocery store this weekend to stock up. It's just that I don't want to spend what little time I have in the evening preparing couscous and turkey tacos.

I am also having a hard time getting up to exercise. I sort of lost my rhythm when my place flooded, and now I am staying with a friend and trying to maintain some sense of a routine. But I am determined to squeeze in time a couple days before the week ends. We will see.

I ordered a couple boxes of girl scout cookies last month, and they arrived yesterday. And work has been kicking my ass hard since the beginning of January. I have been keeping my head above water, in sort of spitting and sputtering fashion, but this week I have crashed. I am having trouble keeping a positive attitude, and my eating habits have consequently suffered. Thin Mints are like a tiny slice of heaven. And I want several sleeves of heaven. Preferably right after the meetings I have that leave me beat up and discouraged about my abilities. Or in between the twenty calls from clients, irritated that I haven't called them back.

Whining will stop now. I just need to remove the cookies from my reach. And I will do that. Tomorrow.

January Wrapped

So, I was feeling a little discouraged at the end of last month. It had been awhile since I had worked out, partially because I was sick, and partially because I have been really burnt out from work. I was worried that I hadn't had much success, and that I would be a little frantic to lose weight going into February.

But, I measured myself on Friday and I lost four inches around my waist!!! Four whole, beautiful inches, that are no longer a part of me. And it feels good.

So here's the summation of my experience with the Slim in 6 program.

1. It's a little boring. The workouts, although effective, aren't very interesting after the third day.
2. There are few recipe options. This is primarily an exercise-based plan, and the optional vitamin supplements to the program are pushed pretty heavily.
3. There is no guidance on how to progress through the program. Although it was nice to move at my own pace, I spent awhile on the first level. I felt a little uncertain on when I was supposed to move on to the next level.
4. The program itself is pretty motivational. The segments within each program are timed, so when an exercise gets difficult, I knew it would just be a few more seconds until the next segment.
5. The strength training is very effective. I feel stronger after just a month, and I notice definition in my arms that I didn't have before.

So, four inches smaller, I'm moving into February. I have decided on eDiets, so I will have more to discuss tomorrow.

Carmen Electra: Hip Hop, A Review

A few weeks ago, I did a quick search on Netflix for exercise videos. I'm particular to dance videos, so I thought I would start there. I saw that as part of her Aerobic Striptease series, Carmen Electra has a hip-hop video. I was pretty excited; I've seen Carmen's moves and thought it would be fun and challenging.

I'm not sure how the rest of the DVDs in the series are, but the hip-hop section is rather abysmal. It's really hard to get a decent cardio workout from following the video.

Carmen starts with a quick warm-up. It's pretty basic with simple hip-hop moves, but it doesn't last much longer than three minutes. Then, the video moves right into the routine. The routine itself isn't terrible, but Carmen only does the full routine a couple times before the video ends. The moves aren't terribly difficult to follow, but they're not challenging at all. The last move of the routine involves running in place for a sixteen-count period. The entire DVD is around 25 minutes total.

I was also surprised at the lack of hip-hop music. There is an option on the DVDs menu that allows the viewer to choose 'rock' or 'hip-hop,' but the music is generic instrumental stuff that incites little beyond a yawn. I would have thought that Carmen could pull together some kind of actual hip-hop music for her video.

I would skip this one, unless it's sitting on the 'free' table.

Rounding it Out

I realize it's been a long time since I checked in, and I feel bad about that. I had a couple issues pop-up - not related to this project - that kept me incredibly busy over the past few days. But here I am...ready to dish.

Although I don't think the Slim in 6 plan is necessarily right for me, I will say that I feel better and better each week that I've been on the program. My energy is up, I sleep better, and I have even figured out how to eat five times a day and still maintain my sanity.

I'm still facing issues with eating out. Anytime the subject comes up, I clench up and try to think of a reason why I cannot participate. A lot of this is residual eating disorder stuff. I just have a hard time with guilt when it comes to eating at restaurants. The portion sizes, the sauces, the drinks, the hors d' oeuvres... All of it stacks up and I end up feeling completely overwhelmed and upset.

I know it's probably a lot to ask of myself to keep up with these new plans each month and try to solve all of my eating disorder issues at the same time. So for right now, I'm just trying to remain aware. To weigh my options carefully when I do eat out. To remember that just because I had a big ol' bowl of spaghetti for lunch doesn't mean that I am a bad person, or lazy, or lacking will power, or doomed and hopeless. It just means I enjoyed a meal with friends and the rest of my day/week/month/year doesn't have to be affected.

Back to Slim in 6. I think the biggest issue lies in the workout programs. I don't mind doing them. I feel stronger today than I did three weeks ago, and I'm noticing my clothes fit looser too. The problem is that it's just not interesting to me. Although I'm focusing on form and really centering my mind to get a good workout, I don't really feel accomplished when I'm finished. And I'm definitely not having fun. I don't think I would continue exercising if I didn't have some accountability built into this blog.

So, here I am, with just over a week left. I'm already looking into February's adventure.